Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Help. Why am I so naked?
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