Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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