Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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