Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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