I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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