I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
