A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
