New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
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So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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