I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
