I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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