12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
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Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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