I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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