Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
