my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
