: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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