my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
