I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
