I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
