I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
