Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
