I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We are all done wearing pants today
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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