Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
pray to the hookup gods
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i think i just lost a toe
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
