My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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