captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
