i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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