I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
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Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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