Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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