I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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