my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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