Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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