just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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