I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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