I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
