I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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