Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
