11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
