i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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