Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
