she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
