i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
