you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
