Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
