On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
