Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I need a beard to bite.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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