Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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