I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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