your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
