break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
