Moan for me like Helen Keller
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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