i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
