wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
