There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
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halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm