apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.