we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
