I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
