Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
