oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
